Oh yeah abuela.....you can get it too!!!

Hey all, and thanks for stopping in! I know it's been ages, but hey I've been busy and you all don't pay me anyway, soooooooooo......whatever. Seriously though, I will try to make a more concerted effort to post more frequently, but life happens. So forgive me, as I ease back into this thing. Relax, enjoy, and remember...no feet on the seats.

I chose the title of this entry to illustrate the two groups I wanna talk about; Immigrants and Old People. No this isn't going to be a racist or agist rant, but I still need to get a few things off my chest. Let me preface this by saying I have a great respect for both immigrants and old people. This great country of ours was built on the backs and labor of immigrants. It quite frankly, still is. Many of whom, never bothered/never had the time to learn English. I understand language barriers, and I'm typically quite quick to pick up on them. In many cases, before more than 2 words have been uttered. Frequently you can see it in the please-don't-ask-me-alotta-sh_t-cuz-I-dont-understand-a-word-you-said-after-hey smile. I'm cool with that. That being said, do NOT think that ignorance of the language, gives you a pass on basic Metro etiquette. You don't need to understand English, to understand that pushing someone in their back is likely to catch you an elbow to your jaw. Nor do you need to speak the King's english to understand the seriousness of the "Death stare". Y'all know what I'm talking about. The look you give someone on the train, when they keep bumping you, and you're at your wit's end. Death (or muerte) is universal. And no, mumbling something incoherent will not save you, when it comes time to catch a forearm to your chest for too much shoving (true story).

As for old people, well there's a time and a place for everything.  Rush hour on the DC Metro, is neither the time nor the place for old people.  Your reflexes are shot, you move too slow, and your brains generally don't process information quick enough to make the kind of split-second decisions necessary to navigate a Metro station at 8am on a Monday morning. I can't count the number of times, I've nearly plowed over some little old lady, because she thought it was a good idea to stop and get her bearings, literally as soon as she's exited the train.  Aunt May, if you would be so kind as to continue moving to the wall out of the line of traffic, we would all be better for it. It' also easier at that point to determine that said little old lady might need some directional assistance, versus stopping short,getting run over and then needing directions and a new hip. Better yet, do us all a favor and just wait 2 hrs.  Just 2 hours, and everyone wins!  You can move at your own pace, better plot your movements, and I don't have to feel guilty about kicking the sh-t out of your roller bag.

I'm a pretty respectful, extremely courteous person....until you push my buttons with silliness. Then all bets are off, and the not so nice guy comes out. But with a little better-planning and perhaps Level 1 Rosetta Stone, we can all get along just fine. Until next time!

"Hold the Train!"

I've heard this particular request uttered loudly on multiple occassions. I wonder though, how realistic does one think this request is. Short of possibly, POTUS, for whom would the train actually stop as it begins disembarking? And really, what are the chances he'd be riding public transportation anyway? In some ways, I think maybe it's just a declaration made, so that one can later express outrage at the system, when in fact, had they not stopped for that Double Latte Whipped Frap Soy Crapiato, or whatever they're called....you wouldn't have been trying to do your Usain Bolt imitation in the first place. As we've already covered, me, I ain't runnin' for it. Just not gonna happen. Next train please!

Let's explore what happens, should you by some stroke of "luck" manage to get to the doors right before they close. I had some lady cut me a rather dirty look the other day, because I refused to risk my fingers trying to pry the door open after she managed to squeeze her arm through. Sorry sweetheart, another 3 minutes and you'll have forgotten all about this train. Why should I risk my fingers for a complete stranger? Those of you that know me well know that, well.....I probably won't be risking my fingers for you either. Still love you though! Beyond that, and I have seen this happen, the door gets so thoroughly screwed up that now it won't completely close and engage. So now, we're ALL stuck here. And the next train can't even come! All because you couldn't decide whether or not those shoes went with that outfit in a timely manner.

Although this really boils down to little more than a minor annoyance in the grand scheme, but all I'm saying is plan a little better in the mornings (or the evenings), and you can avoid all this. Oh, and if you should happen to see me inside the door as you're sprinting towards it......save your arm and your dignity and just wait for the next one. :-)

"Metro Physics" and other lessons I've learned...

It never ceases to amaze me how many generally common sense rules go out the window, when one rides the Metro. One such is that if you are going to be in public, you should oh I don't know....PUT ON DEODORANT. Now I certainly understand the blue collar worker at the end of his shift being a bit pungent (though he should still reasonably be able to control that). But for the white collar cats, like the one I had the displeasure of being trapped on the blue line with this morning, the scent of ass and corn chips is wholly unacceptable at 9:40am. Did you run a couple of games of hoops in your khakis and polo, before hopping on the train? Seriously, just....get it together. Furthermore, I KNOW you smell yourself. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE have a seat. Must you grab the overhead grip,exposing your pits, and allowing your funk to waft through the train? I just don't understand it, but you get the point. Another key issue are a series of principles I like to call, "Metro Physics". As most people readily know, two objects cannot occupy the same space simultaneously. This is never more apparent than when, shall we say a plus-sized individual tries to cram into a space on the train that would barely accommodate an average-sized person. Why are you looking at me funny? You know damn well, you are not a Size 8. No I will not kiss the glass, just so all 350lbs of you can be comfortable. You shoulda waited for the next train! Another simple lesson is inertia, or the tendency of an object to remain in motion, unless acted on by an outside force. To wit, just because the train stops, unless you're holding onto something......doesn't mean you will too. I see it happen to young and old alike. Oh and please, believe elderly doesn't necessarily save you from my muffled laughter. I could go on with these all day, but you get the general idea. In the end, I think we can all enjoy our rides quite a bit more if we simply stick to the basics that all of us learned as kids. Oh, and the Golden Rule works on trains too....

Morning Madness-Why I don't try to go in early

So those of you that really know me, know that I've been blessed with an extremely flexible schedule. That said, unless I'm hitting an early morning workout (Shoutout to Results Gym- Cap Hill), I'm rarely at the office before 9:30 anymore. This morning however, I had a special project that necesitated me being in "early". So begins my morning madness....

Typically, 3-4 days out of the week, I do in fact, get to the gym before work and so I'm usually out the door by 6am. This morning however, I decided to sleep in. Normally waking up to a thunderstorm, would precipitate (no pun intended) me firing off an email about "coming in late". Having to take care of the special project today, I unfortunately did not have that luxury. So up I go to begin my day. As I get ready to step out the door, I see that this torrential downpour has caused the dang rainwater to literally rise up on my tires. So now I have to consider, "Is there anybody else that can do this project, cuz this some bullsh-t." No one comes to mind, so after an Olympic triple jump to my car, I'm off.

So I arrive at the Marc, catch an earlier train, and everything is fine. Right? Wrong. As we leave New Carrolton to head into Union Station, they announce that we have lost the "signaling system" and thus have to enter the station at a crawl. From New Carrolton to Union Station at I swear, no faster than 15MPH. UNBELIEVABLE! This is what I got out early and braved The Day After Tomorrow for?!?!?!? To get into the station maybe 10-15 mins ahead of the train I would have otherwise taken? Great....

Now I need to ride the Metro in, to get to my office. So as I'm entering the station, I see the board stating that due to various power outtages, some stations are shut down. Greeeeeat. But after listening to further announcements, I learn none are any of my stops! Happy dance. So I come up on a train that is getting ready to depart. People FLYING by me to catch this train, and packing into this s--t like sardines. This brings me to another point. It's rush hour. Trains come like every 4-5 mins. If it that's crucial that you be on THAT particular train, then it's one of 2 things. Either your boss is a dick and just has it out for you, or you've been warned many times before and you're on thin ice already. Either way, chances are better than average, that you will in fact be late again today, so you're already f-cked. Just walk and enjoy yourself. At least you won't be all sweaty when you get fired. But I digress.

After catching the next train, while simultaneously ignoring the woman whom has been screaming in the station for like 5 minutes nonstop (I think she had a panic attack on the previous sardine train, and had to get out) I get into the office, and head down to my desk to grab the necessary equipment. So what do I discover when I get to the conference room? Identical equipment is ALREADY IN THERE, from the last presentation. No one bothered to check the room before making the request! I can't even get mad at this point. I just silently reaffirm to myself why I never come in early anymore....

My Foray into this Blogging Thing......

So y'all, I finally decided to start this thing. Some know that I've been tossing around this idea for months now. Far more than that know that I'm very rarely at a loss for words. It's not that I have a particularly interesting life. It's just that I see hilarity all around me....every day. The point of this blog is to just get some of that off my chest, and maybe brighten someone else's day. Though the title may lead you to believe that I'll only post based on my experiences getting to and from The Hill, please believe if it occurs outside those parameters......I will still blog about it. So sit back, have a read, and hopefully have a good laugh. Day 1 one begins.